what is there that still remains for me?

Today I woke up sad, I wasn't sure why then I got to thinking. Is it because  It's the start of a new year, people are busy with their new years resolutions, making plans, visualising their dreams, while  I on the other hand am still stuck trying to piece back together shattered dreams, trying desperately to mend broken bonds from the previous year? Or is it because Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, get a new name, a new identity ,in a new country maybe then I'd be able to start fresh and be happy? 

 I found myself thinking a lot can change in a year, heck a lot can change in a day. In all my life I have never felt so lost, so powerless. I feel like an empty shell. 

Let's rewind to 2017, I had a job, a fiance and a decent enough apartment in the city. It wasn't perfect but life was good and I was happy. Things were only going to get better from here, this I believed with every fibre of my being. Planning vacations, looking at houses , I was the man. When life is going well you never think about how easy it is for things to change, for you to lose everything, I know I didn't. life had other plans for me though, It almost looks like life had a  checklist of trials I had to go through.

• TB (a shit show of an illness I might add, But I'm still here ) 

• Financial issues 

• Relationship Problems

• Job loss

• The break up....

April 2018  there I was clearing out the apartment and calling  home.

It's only going to be for a few months I told myself, I will get back on my feet soon enough. Months went by nothing came up. It took  5 months for me to get my Provident fund, meaning for at least 5 months I went back to depending on my family to survive. I hated it, it's just not who I am.

I was broken, I fell into a deep depression, started lying to myself and the people around me. 

I was a mess. I hated myself, I hated what I had become. After living my whole life by the book following the rules, and trying to be as good as I can be, I just did not understand why this was happening to me. I remember thinking to myself  that if there is a God then he must truly hate me.

Having gone through all of this in a space of year I now have a new outlook on life. My story isn't complete yet. I must be here for a reason right?. So I guess all I have to do is start the year with a new attitude, I need to find that and rekindle that drive I had before my life fell apart. after all how can you I ever hope to move forward when I keep regretting the past?

It may be hard right now but I have no other alternatives but to silence these thoughts. Stop counting the things I have lost, what is gone is gone. A better question to ask myself now is, What is there that still remains for me?